Welcome to The Starting Over Mom!

I'm writing this blog for myself, to get everything out onto the screen instead of letting it bump around in my head.

Just over 2 months ago, my husband walked out and I've barely heard from him since. We were high school sweethearts, star-crossed lovers. We lived together for 4 years, and have been married for almost 5. People heard our story and they would sigh, and say it was so romantic. First, we were a military family, and we survived a combat deployment when my husband went to Afghanistan. When he got back, we put his career first, and we bought a small mobile home. We worked our butts off, and I took a job as a restaurant manager to support us while my husband entered the police academy. Once he was hired on as an officer in 2015, we jointly decided I would stay at home with our girls. We each had a daughter from a prior relationship and our mish-mash family worked.

It was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

I put my everything into our family, and I was so proud to see my husband put on his uniform, and get promoted over the past three years.

When our marriage hit a rock patch, the optimist that I am, I thought my husband and I could go to therapy, and that he would do it and we would be fine. I started to go myself, and my husband promised he would go as well. He didn't.

We fought about his refusal to go to counseling. It stabbed at my heart that my husband didn't want to work on us.

Then, one day, he went into the bedroom and packed a bag.

And he was gone.

I was devastated. I had loved him and done my best to be a good wife. I had sacrificed my career and my education to help him achieve his career goals.

Now, he was leaving. He said, "It's not worth it," and "the magic is gone."

Those words haunted my nightmares in the following weeks.

You're not worth it.

That's what became my mantra when I looked in the mirror following his departure. I looked at myself in the mirror, in my mid-30s, chubby. My boobs were sagging a little with age. I had a belly whereas I used to be stick thin. My hips were a bit more pronounced, and my butt wasn't as perky as it had once been.

You're not worth it.

I worked menial jobs, I had no Bachelor's degree.

You're not worth it.

I had scars on my once-beautiful hands from hand surgeries. I had been recently diagnosed with Vestibular Migraines, which made me ill a lot.

You're not worth it.

Something inside of me fought against that mantra. I enrolled in online courses in order to finish my Bachelor's degree. I checked out online courses for a Master's. I had always regretted not finishing college. Well, that was going to get checked off. I was going to be frickin' educated.

I am worth it.

I had been working part-time as a dog walker because the hours let me pick up Nugget from school. I had been a loyal employee, and when my boss heard of my situation, they gave me more hours, a promotion and a raise. I was making about $1,000 a month now. It was a small step.

I am worth it. 

I sent out messages to dormant friendships, asking for job recommendations and leads. I heard back from a friend who knew a guy who needed a social media manager for his company, someone who could work from home part-time. Another $600 a month was now coming in.

I am worth it.

I heard from another friend that someone was looking for a part-time editor for a website. Another $300 a month coming in.

I was now making almost $2,000 a month. Hope flared inside of me. The Divorce Diet (more on that later) kicked in. I started doing low-carb/no sugar. I was walking more at my job. I started to slowly lose some of the extra pounds I had gained over the past 8 years. That combined with raging stomach problems (yeah, we are talking about everything on this blog) helped slim me down some more.

The months ticked by. I am now on track to graduate in the Spring with my Bachelor's in History. after that, I am going to go on to get my Master's. Just because.

I am worth it.

I have wanted to teach history for a long time. Fluorescent lights make me ill on account of my vestibular disorder. I found migraine glasses (Theraspecs) that may help. I am going to order some when I get paid again.

I just keep repeating that mantra, over and over.

I am worth it.

Thanks for visiting, and if you've made it all the way down here, I am impressed. My goal is to blog every day about divorce, and my experiences. Maybe someone out there will find some comfort in this blog, but for now, I am finding comfort in it and that is gold right now.