As the days trudge on and life keeps moving, I realize with more clarity that my husband is not coming back. Even my in-laws have started treating me awkwardly all of a sudden. That speaks volumes. That means that they have likely spoken to my husband, and they realize it's over. It's time for me to realize it, too.
I had a lot of depression and anxiety the past few days. I wanted to text my husband, I wanted to email him. But I didn't. I didn't because I am coming to accept the fact that he does not love me, and he does not want to be with me.
That's hard to accept.
I read an article yesterday which suggested that writing a goodbye letter to your spouse who left is cathartic. So I'm writing mine.
Dear Jason,
We could have worked things out, and we could have been happy. But you decided you wanted to be single and unmarried to me. You decided that I was not worth the hassle of going to counseling. You decided you are happier not being with me. Goodbye to the dreams that I had for us...for buying a nice, new house...for retiring on a patch of land in 30 years...for having a baby soon. Goodbye to my life as a police spouse...my standing in the community as such...my pride at being a police wife. Goodbye to all of that. Goodbye to my stepdaughter for whom I made a lot of sacrifices, and who I treated as my own. Goodbye to the financial security we had, and the sweet nicknames we had for each other. Goodbye to my in-laws, and many joint friends we made over the years. Goodbye to feeling like a part of the police brotherhood. Goodbye to your scent, and feeling your heartbeat when I laid my head on your chest. Goodbye to watching Cops together and comparing it to your stories...goodbye to hearing funny cop stories. Goodbye to nice cars and getting my hair and nails done when I wanted. Goodbye to the lifestyle we had.
Then, the article recommended saying Goodbye to the bad things in the relationship to provide some perspective. I honestly thought I'd have a few lines, but once I started, the words just fell out of my head on to this screen.
Dear Jason.
Goodbye to a constantly messy house because you wouldn't do anything to help. Goodbye to being a single parent to your daughter who you never had time for. Goodbye to the bathroom being a disgusting mess because you couldn't manage to lift a finger. Goodbye to having to nag and remind for the most basic household tasks like setting the trash at the curb on your way to work, or mowing the lawn. Goodbye to me feeling overwhelmed by the amount of chores I would have to do by myself at home. Goodbye to me sleeping in the guest room because you took up the entire master bedroom with a bed that you wanted. Goodbye to not being able to use the living room because you decided to not sleep on the $2000 mattress we bought for you, and sleep in the recliner instead. Goodbye to me and my daughter walking on eggshells to not wake you up. Goodbye to not having conversations about anything meaningful. Goodbye to being ignored when I tried to talk to you about anything. Goodbye to not having eye contact made with me when speaking with you. Goodbye to not having ever gotten an engagement or wedding ring from you. Goodbye to never getting a card or one gift from you for anything, ever. Goodbye to never being complimented. Goodbye to having a 200 lb toddler at home who threw tantrums. Goodbye to never being texted back, or having you ask about my day at work and school. Goodbye to hearing you constantly bitch about your leg hurting, yet you never take Advil or go to the doctor. Goodbye to your foul, cocky attitude that you brought to our house after every shift. Goodbye to you tormenting my cat because you don't like cats. Goodbye to your complaining about the cat having potty accidents because you scared her on purpose. Goodbye to you never trying to have a relationship with my mom. Goodbye to your toxic, dysfunctional family. Goodbye to never feeling good enough for you. Goodbye to stressing about money when you couldn't be bothered to help make decisions. Goodbye to you deciding on your own to buy a brand new truck with a $450 monthly payment that we couldn't afford. Goodbye to having to buy the cheapest car we could find for me, because you bought that new truck. You got your dream truck, and I had to take an ugly Kia because that's all I was to you.
That felt pretty good. And looking over the two parts of the Goodbye letter, I see that my part about goodbye to his shit is longer than my goodbye to his positive traits.
Perspective. It feels good.
Gut Oofs
It's nearly 3 months since my husband walked out on me and ghosted me.
I am having slightly more better days than bad days. It's usually what I've come to call "gut oofs" that can derail my not-as-stressed mood.
Finding old pictures that fell down behind a cabinet when I'm searching for a glue gun for kiddo's school project.
Finding old love letters written from me to him and vice versa while he was on a combat deployment to Afghanistan at the very beginning of our relationship when I'm cleaning out an old nightstand.
Seeing a check with both our names on it when it comes time to write the mortgage check.
All of things feel like a literal punch to the stomach. I don't know how else to describe it. They take my breath away just when I think I've found it. I can almost forget the deep pain, anger, and grief for short periods of time, but these "gut oofs" drag me back quickly.
When I come across these things, part of me wants to sob and sleep with them. The other part of me, the angry, feisty me, takes them and dumps them into the trash can. I may or may not angrily rip things to shreds beforehand.
I get mad because the whole marriage feels like a lie. How can you physically harm the person you promised to love and cherish, and then bail because you are "out of love" and "are moving on?" How can you just stop talking to someone you've been with for the better part of a decade? The person you were planning on buying a new house with soon, and a person with which you had a family? I'm not sure. I think it takes a special type of person to do that, one who really does not care and has not cared for a very, very long time.
I got an automated text message from a credit card company that one of his credit cards was past due. I warred internally over what to do. On one hand, I wanted to angrily ignore it, his credit be damned. The other part of me whispered that in order for me to get over this, I have to be zen about the whole thing. Rise above it, if you will. So after a day or so of deliberations, the zen (wanna-be zen...not even close to actual zen at the moment) part of me paid the credit card.
Hopefully, in time, the zen part of me will make more progress than the other parts.
I am having slightly more better days than bad days. It's usually what I've come to call "gut oofs" that can derail my not-as-stressed mood.
Finding old pictures that fell down behind a cabinet when I'm searching for a glue gun for kiddo's school project.
Finding old love letters written from me to him and vice versa while he was on a combat deployment to Afghanistan at the very beginning of our relationship when I'm cleaning out an old nightstand.
Seeing a check with both our names on it when it comes time to write the mortgage check.
All of things feel like a literal punch to the stomach. I don't know how else to describe it. They take my breath away just when I think I've found it. I can almost forget the deep pain, anger, and grief for short periods of time, but these "gut oofs" drag me back quickly.
When I come across these things, part of me wants to sob and sleep with them. The other part of me, the angry, feisty me, takes them and dumps them into the trash can. I may or may not angrily rip things to shreds beforehand.
I get mad because the whole marriage feels like a lie. How can you physically harm the person you promised to love and cherish, and then bail because you are "out of love" and "are moving on?" How can you just stop talking to someone you've been with for the better part of a decade? The person you were planning on buying a new house with soon, and a person with which you had a family? I'm not sure. I think it takes a special type of person to do that, one who really does not care and has not cared for a very, very long time.
I got an automated text message from a credit card company that one of his credit cards was past due. I warred internally over what to do. On one hand, I wanted to angrily ignore it, his credit be damned. The other part of me whispered that in order for me to get over this, I have to be zen about the whole thing. Rise above it, if you will. So after a day or so of deliberations, the zen (wanna-be zen...not even close to actual zen at the moment) part of me paid the credit card.
Hopefully, in time, the zen part of me will make more progress than the other parts.
New Theme; Loss of Friends
I used Fiverr to buy art for the header. I figured that while I have two incomes, buying an image that I customized with the help of an artist would be a good investment. I've tried separating out my emotions this week to see exactly what I was feeling, and about what. I've established in my head that yes, he was a shitty husband. Yes, many gals would have left him earlier. Yes, others would say I am fortunate to be relatively unscathed (physically) after your spouse beats the crap out of you. Those are not the parts I am grieving.
Grappling with the Loss of Friends and In-Laws
One of the things that I am going to miss the most regarding my divorce are the friends we made as a couple, and my in-laws. I have (had?) some pretty great in-laws. It sucks that they haven't really reached out to me since finding out about him leaving. It makes me wonder what he's told them. That is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down.
I love a lot of the people who were in our lives, and it is going to suck to let them go. My mother-in-law was kind and generous to a fault, if a bit naive and religion-obsessed (kind of surprised she hasn't contacted me, actually). My father-in-law cheated on my mother-in-law, and married the Other Woman, who turned out not to be as evil as I would have thought. The Other Woman, i.e., my stepmother-in-law, was the most supportive out of any of them.
Weird.
Anyways. That and our friends we've made over the almost 10 years together. Most of them are unaware of what's happened. I don't really feel like announcing what's happened to Facebookland. I kind of scroll through, and make mental wagers with myself about which friend will side with whom. Yeah, there will be people that believe my ex. He'll probably breeze them off with a Didn't Work Out explanation, or a She's Crazy excuse as to why we are no longer together. Either way, there will be people that side with him, people who don't really understand the full story. Boy Shoves and Injures Girl. Girl Asks for Couples' Therapy. Boy Leaves.
Actually, put that way, it kinda helps me understand the situation with some clarity. He was shitty to me, never acted like he cared or wanted to be married, and bailed after severely injuring me.
What an asshole.
Angry, feisty me is dominant this week.
Couple of thoughts:
1. You will probably ask: If he hurt you, why did you stay?
I always thought I'd be the badass bitch that peaces out if she encountered domestic abuse. Well, it's a lot more complicated than I realized. Even though the abuser is an asshole, it doesn't negate your feelings for him. Basically, you are asked to let things go, or you have to make a decision about how or if to leave an abusive situation, i.e., is it a one-off thing? In our case, it seemed to be. I made the decision to try and stay because A) we had a lot of time and financial energy invested in each other and B) I was scared to be on my own. I'll probably do a separate post on that.
2. You also may be wondering why I am upset at him leaving, if he was so shitty. As much as we don't like to admit it, we can be in love with toxic and crappy people. It hurt that he was able to just easily throw away nearly a decade together after what he did to me. That's the crux of the matter. Imagine being told via actions that you are a worthless piece of shit, and then you are once again, for all time, worthless to that person. That sucks! Again, probably worth a separate post.
I am in a better headspace this week than last, and I know this will vacillate. I'll be hurt, hurt-angry, angry-pissed, and so on. Eventually, I think I'll just be whatever. I know at a certain point, I'll cease being angry and hurt and just not care as much. That's probably the best goalpost for measuring whether or not I've moved on.
Grappling with the Loss of Friends and In-Laws
One of the things that I am going to miss the most regarding my divorce are the friends we made as a couple, and my in-laws. I have (had?) some pretty great in-laws. It sucks that they haven't really reached out to me since finding out about him leaving. It makes me wonder what he's told them. That is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down.
I love a lot of the people who were in our lives, and it is going to suck to let them go. My mother-in-law was kind and generous to a fault, if a bit naive and religion-obsessed (kind of surprised she hasn't contacted me, actually). My father-in-law cheated on my mother-in-law, and married the Other Woman, who turned out not to be as evil as I would have thought. The Other Woman, i.e., my stepmother-in-law, was the most supportive out of any of them.
Weird.
Anyways. That and our friends we've made over the almost 10 years together. Most of them are unaware of what's happened. I don't really feel like announcing what's happened to Facebookland. I kind of scroll through, and make mental wagers with myself about which friend will side with whom. Yeah, there will be people that believe my ex. He'll probably breeze them off with a Didn't Work Out explanation, or a She's Crazy excuse as to why we are no longer together. Either way, there will be people that side with him, people who don't really understand the full story. Boy Shoves and Injures Girl. Girl Asks for Couples' Therapy. Boy Leaves.
Actually, put that way, it kinda helps me understand the situation with some clarity. He was shitty to me, never acted like he cared or wanted to be married, and bailed after severely injuring me.
What an asshole.
Angry, feisty me is dominant this week.
Couple of thoughts:
1. You will probably ask: If he hurt you, why did you stay?
I always thought I'd be the badass bitch that peaces out if she encountered domestic abuse. Well, it's a lot more complicated than I realized. Even though the abuser is an asshole, it doesn't negate your feelings for him. Basically, you are asked to let things go, or you have to make a decision about how or if to leave an abusive situation, i.e., is it a one-off thing? In our case, it seemed to be. I made the decision to try and stay because A) we had a lot of time and financial energy invested in each other and B) I was scared to be on my own. I'll probably do a separate post on that.
2. You also may be wondering why I am upset at him leaving, if he was so shitty. As much as we don't like to admit it, we can be in love with toxic and crappy people. It hurt that he was able to just easily throw away nearly a decade together after what he did to me. That's the crux of the matter. Imagine being told via actions that you are a worthless piece of shit, and then you are once again, for all time, worthless to that person. That sucks! Again, probably worth a separate post.
I am in a better headspace this week than last, and I know this will vacillate. I'll be hurt, hurt-angry, angry-pissed, and so on. Eventually, I think I'll just be whatever. I know at a certain point, I'll cease being angry and hurt and just not care as much. That's probably the best goalpost for measuring whether or not I've moved on.
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2019
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