Hurt, Anger, Repeat

Some of these posts are going to be angry. That is just a fact. I am currently cycling from hurt to anger and back again.

I was doing well (ish), until I was putting away laundry yesterday and found one of his black undershirts that he wears under his uniform. I smelled it, and I smelled him on it. It smelled familiar and reminded me of happier times. That really sent me in a mindf*ck spiral. The pain welled up inside of my chest like a hot geyser, and my eyes smarted a bit.

I got angry when he texted me about a financial issue not long after that. I told him I hoped he was doing well, and happy birthday.

No response.

Deep down I know that he is not coming back. If we didn't have a house and cars together, I would block his number and move on.

Today, I am going to my first therapy session in over a year. I haven't felt ready to talk about anything. It's going to be hard to see my concerned counselor watch and listen as I make a snotty mess of myself.

Kickboxing has been invaluable to me. I am getting stronger, and my legs, butt, and arms are getting more toned. My stomach, which I hate with a passion, is still there. I know that losing my tummy will take some time. I was happy when I put on some old t-shirts and hoodies from last year and they virtually swallowed me. The scale hasn't budged but at least I can tell from my clothes that my body is changing - slowly.

When my personal trainer at the boxing gym catches me slowing down, he starts yelling encouragement and sometimes, correction. He tells me I can do it, that I need to reach down inside myself and find the motivation to keep going. He meant that in the context of finishing a grueling set of exercises. But it applies to everything I am going through right now.

It's been 4 months since my husband left and my world drastically changed. I am just trying to be positive, get stronger mentally and physically, and leave this relationship as unscathed as possible.