More Support, Holiday Oofs

I've written previously on this blog about how sometimes, memories and pain hit me in the gut. I call them oofs. I've had a lot of Holiday Oofs lately. Finding more of his stuff that I box and unbox because on one hand, I miss him, and on the other hand, I'm trying desperately to move on. We talked on the phone for about 40 minutes the other day, mostly about bills and financial decisions. I managed to keep a business-like tone, and I was proud I was able to save my breakdown after I had abruptly hung up. I don't want him to hear me cry anymore.

Something else happened the past two weeks: a lot of friends we had have been messaging me encouragement via Facebook messenger. Each time I get a message, I cry. I didn't think any of our married friends would be interested in my situation, but word has spread about what happened. I haven't told many people as a rule so as to keep any drama or gossip to the minimum. But I am very appreciative of these friends who write me things like, Hang in there, and, It will be ok.

I'm still in the gym, and I just bought my first pair of size 10 jeans in about 6 years. When my husband walked out on me in July, I was a 14/16. It's doesn't compensate for the absolute devastation and pain I'm feeling, but it does make me feel a tiny bit better about myself. I've decided that no matter what it takes, I am going to keep myself in good shape. Even if it means running if I can't afford a gym, or working out at home. I want to keep myself in good condition. My goal is to be a size 6 again, which I haven't been in about 10 years. This weekend, I'm going through my clothes again and ditching the old, baggy, fat clothes I've been hiding myself in the past several years.

My little Nugget is struggling this week over Christmas. Dad is gone, and he doesn't really seem interested in having a relationship with her. My heart breaks for her. He's not her bio dad, but he and I got together when she was 1, so he was her dad for all intents and purposes. I keep telling her that we'll be fine, and we can start doing hobbies together, just the two of us. She wants to take painting classes, so I enrolled us in those. We've invested in some board and card games to entertain us when the budget gets tighter, and we've had a blast doing that. I know I can't undo what he did to not just me but to her, but I'm trying the best I know how.

For now, my husband has agreed to keep us on his insurance, and keep our finances combined. I think he may be thinking about how it looks to a judge, whatever he is up to, and that's kept him cooperative for now. I know that this could change at any moment. It's a huge guillotine over my head, one that can drop at any moment and take me out. But so far, at least for now, things are somewhat ok financially.

I graduate in the Spring with my Bachelor's degree (huzzah!) I'm really stinking proud of myself, ya know? Look at me, all educated. It's bittersweet; I thought I'd be celebrating with my husband, not as a single parent going through an unexpected divorce. Anyways. When I get my diploma, which I thought I'd never get, I'm going to hang it above my bed. No joke. I worked my butt off to get it, and I'm gonna celebrate that sh*t. I also enrolled in grad school next August in a M.A.T. program, which will result in my graduating with a Master's degree while becoming certified to teach. I am going to go for my elementary school certification, which means I have to pass state exams next fall. I've already started studying, mostly out of gut-wrenching fear that I'll fail. All in all, assuming everything goes well with my exams, I should be graduating from that program Fall of 2020. If I can keep our heads above water to get that salaried teaching job, we'll be fine. I'll be making enough to have a small rental house, a car, and begin paying back my student loans, plus benefits for me and Nugget.

I had to get a roommate to help me out financially. I dreaded doing it. It sucks to go from living with your family, to single parent living with a roommate. I found a relative of a distant friend who is quiet. The extra $300 a month is extremely helpful, too. I hate having someone in my house that is not family, but it could be worse. I plan on keeping a tenant until I graduate and get a teaching job. I'll relish moving out of my house that I bought with my husband, and moving into some little historic house with Nugget. I've always wanted to rent a little historic house, but my husband hated them because he felt claustrophobic in them due to the smaller doorways and lower ceilings. I'm going to rent one close to our town's historic Main Street. That is something I'm really looking forward to.

I hope your holidays are going well. If they're not, you are in good company.